Saturday, September 8, 2007

In a beautifully choreographed ...

In a beautifully choreographed, meticulously executed, oh-so-graceful move, I accidentally broke my left arm.

But all was not lost. Because of my left arm's sacrifice and, from years of practice, subconsciously, I was able to save most of what was in my right hand, a Healthy Choice brand 'Sweet Bourbon Steak', TV dinner, recently microwaved.

I suppose I looked like an American Football player sprawled on the ground, with his hand in the air, grasping the football to show he had caught the winning touchdown pass. Except, he would be holding a microwaveable TV dinner... and ... he would be on my staircase ... and ... he would be thinking that his socks were pretty slippery.

But he would have been proud that the TV dinner was saved. Well, most of it.

The rest of my TV dinner was artfully decorating part of my wall. (Jackson Pollock. Ha! He's called an abstract expressionist? Ha! He has nothing compared to my creation! I bet he had never expressed Garlic Mashed Potatoes!)

- - - - -

Before you think I'm only focused on the food, let me just say, recently I've taken up a sport - the great game of Golf. When people see me golf, they usually say I remind them of Tiger Woods, if he were to have John Daly's physique, and if missing the golf ball on the down stroke was okay. Actually, I'm not as bad as John Daly, but my wife can tell you that I'm trying.

At this point, the alert readers may say:
1) Ah-ha! A wife! Why would she let me, a circumferentially growing boy, eat TV dinners?
2) Why would such a beautiful creature marry a goober like me?
Let me just respond to each:
1) My wife was visiting her sister for the weekend.
I was left home. Alone. Unsupervised.
2) I don't know.

- - - - -

I have learned the difficulty of having full use of only one hand. Although, there are some things that aren't as difficult as I imagined:

  • Typing on my Blackberry - not too difficult,
  • Driving - not too bad,
  • Typing on my Blackberry while I'm driving in heavy traffic - not easy, do-able, but I'm practicing. (Just kidding; I would never, ever do that and publicly admit to it. Instead, I would just tell you I was kidding. Um...I've said too much.)
  • Socks - not too bad,
  • shirts - not too bad, and
  • I've convinced my firm that I'm just wearing loafers and I'm not wearing a tie again until the cast/splint is off.
Anyway, all of this is relatively easy with only one hand, especially when it's compared to the most difficult task that I've found: buttoning my suit trousers.

Two days ago, I may have spent 10 minutes trying to button my trousers with my one available hand in a men's room stall at my firm. I was banging from side to side, making an awful racket. A couple of times, I heard footsteps of someone entering the mens room. Both times, I heard them stop, then turn, and scamper out.

I don't remember exactly, but I could have been grunting slightly while I was attempting to button my trousers. Really, I am not making this up. Had I heard all of that from a men's room stall, I would have scampered, too. I dare YOU to try to put on your suit pants with one hand in your company's rest room !

- - - - -

So, in closing, after two days of having full use of only my right arm, I have learned important lessons and come to appreciate important aspects of my world around me, namely, my left arm.

b shaw