... b shaw

Blogdex

2010-11-02T00:25:00.000-04:00

- - - - - -

Competitive Basket-Hockey-Golf-Calisthenics

As you may know, I enjoy photography. Part of that enjoyment comes from having your ego crushed when you lose yet another photography contest. . . . Continue reading 'Actual Nature'

- - - - - -

Medical Mal-pricing

As some of you know, I broke my arm a few weeks ago. There are important life lessons to be learned from this experience, namely: Don't anger the Emergency Room staff. . . Continue reading 'Medical Mal-pricing'

- - - - - -

Temple of Eternal Happiness ...

I found myself in New York City yesterday. It's been many, many years since I was here last. Unlike last time, I did not awaken to find myself naked, broke and with a mis-spelled tattoo on my person. This is fortunate, because if that were to have happened again, my wife would have a lot of questions. . . . Continue reading 'Temple of Eternal Happiness'

- - - - - -

In a beautifully choreographed ...

In a beautifully choreographed, meticulously executed, oh-so-graceful move, I accidentally broke my left arm.

But all was not lost. Because of my left arm's sacrifice and, from years of practice, subconsciously, I was able to save most of what was in my right hand, a Healthy Choice brand 'Sweet Bourbon Steak', TV dinner, recently microwaved. . . . .Continue reading 'In a beautifully choreographed . . . '

- - - - - -

Blackberry Anonymous

Periodically, you may see me at a Starbucks before work, sipping my latte, business-section of our local paper tucked under my arm, reading my Blackberry, apparently doing something high-powered and important. Not true. I'm really surfing the internet, looking for info on the latest gadgets, checking scores on ESPN, playing Sudoku, or other not very important nor high-powered activities. . . .Continue reading 'Blackberry Anonymous'

- - - - - -

Public office qualification requirements include ...

Not hiring illegal aliens. Moreover, I have been told that my mantra should be "Don't go to Jail". . . . .

Continue reading 'Public office qualification requirements include ... '

Photos

2010-11-02T00:24:00.004-04:00

- - - -

This is in process, more to come.

Competitive Basket-Hockey-Golf-Calisthenics

2009-01-18T23:54:00.008-05:00

I may have lost a competitive Basket-Hockey-Golf-Calisthenics game. I'm not sure; rules changed every three seconds, the 5 year old was sure of the outcome and happily declared she had won the match. The 5 year old is one of our favorite short people, and belongs to the class of children known as Emergency Broadcast Children, but that's another story.

Apparently, the 5 year old is named: She-has-an-unbelievable-amount-of energy….will-she-ever-slow-down…NOW-what-is-she-doing!

We believe that's her given name, because whenever her parents talk about her they do two things:

Quickly twist their heads about to possibly catch a glimpse of the blur they believe is their 5 year old daughter.
Say her aforementioned name

For ease of use, we can call her, 'Evie'.

Here is an unre-touched transcript of the actual Basket-Hockey-Golf-Calisthenics game.

Evie: Ok, first, first, first … um …. you hit the ball through there - in the goal BUT you can't hit it with the stick like this …. you MUST hit it slower than me …..
Me: Ok.
Evie: I get a point.
Me: How? (I realized I had much to learn about the game)
Evie: Now, we'll … um … we'll place the ball here and you have to hit ….
JuJu ... Stop It...STOP IT (to her older sister, Juliette, aka JuJu) …

- - - - - -

We go to commercial break while my worthy competitor, Evie, and her older sister, Juliette, carefully and thoughtful discuss who is allowed to play the game. Their mother has to intercede the gentle and civil discussion only three times.

With only minor gnashing of teeth, we return from commercial break.

- - - - - - -

Evie: OK…. Um ….. you can't stop my ball from getting the goal, but I can block yours.
Evie: (with out doing anything) I get another point, I'm leading by 5 points now.
Me: ??? (Apparently, my strategy is to stand around and wait for Evie to score more mystery points.)
Evie: Can I have some water?
Me: (Thinking: A-Ha! My big break! While she is distracted by using both hands on the "big girl cup", I can be assured a victory of the game)
Evie: (Apparently aware of my plans) I don't want any water, anymore.
Evie: I get another point.
Me: ??? (Apparently, I'm still flawlessly executing my strategy of standing around and waiting for Evie to score more points)
…

The rest of the evening continued this way until we had run out of points; apparently Evie had won all of the points "in the entire world". During the post-game press conference, I was careful to mention that Evie "came ready to play" and "wanted the win, more then me"

But I'm not worried about this loss, there will be more Basket-Hockey-Golf-Calisthenics competitions –

When that happens, I'll be ready. (Evie! Look! Over there! It's Mickey Mouse!)

(c) 2009 b shaw

Actual nature

2008-05-10T02:56:00.005-04:00

As you may know, I enjoy photography. Part of that enjoyment comes from having your ego crushed when you lose yet another photography contest. So, I've started to regularly participate in some of these free, nothing to lose, online photography contests.

Right now, I'm contemplating competing in one contest that has a particular theme - Landscapes. You know the type - like the images that 'Ansel Adams' photographed of nature and stuff.

Here is their rule about what may be included - "Landscapes shots are self explanatory, architecture doesn't count!"

Immediately, I notice something funny about their rule. No architecture, no buildings! This means that I would have to go out to ... nature. Actual nature!

Before I mention my concerns, let me clarify that I'm not saying there is anything wrong with nature. My wife and I are very pro-nature. For example, my wife buys specially formulated bird food to put in the the 7 to 10 bird feeders located around our house. We do this so we can regularly feed our slightly obese squirrels. As a matter of fact, we feel that our resident family of fat little squirrels would probably go hungry if we didn't give them this specially formulated bird food.

Plus I think it's kinda' cute the way the squirrels wait to be fed. They sit back on their hind legs and rest their front paws on their little pudgy bellies - very cute - they look like tiny NASCAR fans waiting for more beer. So, you can see, we are pro-nature.

At this point, you may conclude that I have a lawn, that I must tend to the lawn, and some consider lawns to be natural. You are half correct. I do have a lawn, but I believe we have undocumented workers tending to the lawn. However, I'm not really sure, 'cause we contract with the lawn service through the internet. We find it's cheaper to hire them, than pay for the gas to put in my lawnmower.

Also, as you know, the rule clearly stated no architecture - so a panoramic of my dandelion garden with my house in the background isn't appropriate. (My lawn service is very good at cultivating dandelion lawn cover.)

Anyway, I mention all of this because ... um..... it's that I'm a bit nervous about going out into actual nature.
Here are just a few of my questions and concerns:

How long can I be exposed to actual nature before something happens to me? Will my blackberry have a signal?
If I were to get over exposed to actual nature, are there readily available antidotes?
Do these natural places have the good Starbucks with wi-fi hotspots? Or, do they have just the small Starbucks, the ones with out the wi-fi hotspots?
Importantly, do any of these natural places have partnerships with any airlines? I want to, at least, get some airline miles out of this endeavor.

Medical Mal-pricing

2007-09-08T17:50:00.001-04:00

As some of you know, I broke my arm a few weeks ago.

(For those interested in that story, see the post entitled: "In a beautifully choreographed ...")

There are important life lessons to be learned from this experience, namely: Don't anger the Emergency Room staff.

Let me explain. I did not go with a plan to anger the staff, there was no premeditation. Instead, a few hours after the accident, I went to the ER in a relatively calm manner.

At this point the alert reader will note I did not go to the ER right away. Why? (Husbands, world wide, already know the answer.) I had to clean the mess I made before my wife got home.

Anyway, expecting to wait 2 or 3 eons before I would be seen by medically inclined people at the ER, I brought a book to read. Surprisingly, I was admitted immediately. But it was a ploy, the ER people had developed new places to wait, inside the treatment area.

Periodically, medically inclined people would stop by and administer medical things in my general direction, sometimes directly at me. ("A proctology exam??! ... It's my arm! MY ARM!") Mostly, I was waiting with other people in the middle of the ER.

Every once in a while, announced over the loudspeaker, someone who needed more immediate medical attention, (e.g. "Code Yellow", serious but stable), would arrive "by air", i.e. helicopter. Otherwise, after they get those folk stabilized, there was just more waiting.

It was only later did I realize that important decisions I made earlier in life, would affect the the outcome of my current situation. And when I say "important decisions", I mean, picking the appropriate book to read in an ER.

- - - -

I chose to bring a book by the literary giant, Dave "Will Shakespeare" Barry, known to many for his deep, thoughtful, and carefully crafted booger jokes. He writes more than booger jokes; sometimes he ignites strawberry pop tarts and sometimes he explodes toilets. So, he is a true renaissance man.

If you have read any of his material, you may know that you will uncontrollably, and sometimes loudly, snort milk out of your nose. Fortunately, I wasn't drinking milk. But I found myself accidentally laughing loudly, very loudly.

- - - -

While reading the Dave Barry book, I had an outburst of uncontrollable laughing. It was poorly timed. Below is an unre-touched transcript based on the actual event.

Loudspeaker: Code Yellow, by air, 4 minutes
Me: BWAAAAA HA HA HA HA, .... HA HA ....
Families, Patients & ER Staff: (Really loud & stern glaring. Directly at me.)

I did not realize that this faux pas (from the French, faux meaning 'idiot', pas meaning 'says something stupid, out loud.'), would be recorded in my 'Permanent Record'. Yes, the very same 'Permanent Record' that has been in existence since elementary school. In which, every teacher told you, your every misdeed would be recorded. "Young Man! That's going on your 'Permanent Record'!"

Apparently, I had a new entry.

Shortly after this, the ER People did some more medical things at me, referred me to a orthopedist, then shoved me out of the ER with a temporary splint. Apparently, they did not want "my kind" hanging around. "Look at his 'Permanent Record', let's discharge him."

- - - -

After a couple of days of waiting, I was able to see an orthopedist for approximately 37.3 seconds.

His entire conversation with me consisted of:
1) An unintelligible mumble, which translated as, "I don't want to be here, I'd rather be golfing".
2) "You have a break, these heal", which translated as, "You have a break, these heal".

Just kidding, he used a few additional words. But not many. Because it was a clean break, apparently a text-book "night stick wound", I did not need a full cast and was prescribed a brace. See image below.

Ultimately, I had to "co"-pay $165 USD for my brace, (which equals: £82 GBP, €121 EUR, ¥19,213,420,370,841 YEN) . I'm not sure, but I believe my 'Permanent Record' affected the rate of my "co"-pay for the brace

Also, I believe my insurance company had to pay only 3 cents. They haven't paid yet; they are still on the floor laughing because I actually paid the $165.

- - - -

Medical administrator: I need pre-authorization for a forearm brace.
Insurance claims person: A forearm brace? Sure. ... Wait! Look at his 'Permanent Record' ! I'm only authorizing 3 cents for him. HA HA HA! Have the stooge, I mean the client, "co" pay the balance. HA HA HA HA ...

- - - -

In my humble opinion, $165 is expensive for a piece of mass produced plastic. But I have no one to blame except for my 'Permanent Record'.

Next time I plan to break my arm, I may go to a witch doctor instead. I think that costs only three chickens. Or, I may go to a new-age crystal healing person, that way, they could bill my aura. I've seen my aura's bank statement, he's flush in aura money, and he has a better 'Permanent Record'.

b shaw

PS. This is a joke image, you can't actually buy a forearm brace on a TV shopping channel. Who would want to?

PPS. hmmm.....However, shortly, you be may lucky enough to buy this beauty on ebay. It's a one of a kind, exquisite, 'work of art'. I'm sad to part with it. Minimum bid: $165.

(c) 2007

In a beautifully choreographed ...

2007-09-08T17:45:00.001-04:00

In a beautifully choreographed, meticulously executed, oh-so-graceful move, I accidentally broke my left arm.

I suppose I looked like an American Football player sprawled on the ground, with his hand in the air, grasping the football to show he had caught the winning touchdown pass. Except, he would be holding a microwaveable TV dinner... and ... he would be on my staircase ... and ... he would be thinking that his socks were pretty slippery.

But he would have been proud that the TV dinner was saved. Well, most of it.

The rest of my TV dinner was artfully decorating part of my wall. (Jackson Pollock. Ha! He's called an abstract expressionist? Ha! He has nothing compared to my creation! I bet he had never expressed Garlic Mashed Potatoes!)

- - - - -

Before you think I'm only focused on the food, let me just say, recently I've taken up a sport - the great game of Golf. When people see me golf, they usually say I remind them of Tiger Woods, if he were to have John Daly's physique, and if missing the golf ball on the down stroke was okay. Actually, I'm not as bad as John Daly, but my wife can tell you that I'm trying.

At this point, the alert readers may say:
1) Ah-ha! A wife! Why would she let me, a circumferentially growing boy, eat TV dinners?
2) Why would such a beautiful creature marry a goober like me?
Let me just respond to each:
1) My wife was visiting her sister for the weekend.
I was left home. Alone. Unsupervised.
2) I don't know.

- - - - -

I have learned the difficulty of having full use of only one hand. Although, there are some things that aren't as difficult as I imagined:

Typing on my Blackberry - not too difficult,
Driving - not too bad,
Typing on my Blackberry while I'm driving in heavy traffic - not easy, do-able, but I'm practicing. (Just kidding; I would never, ever do that and publicly admit to it. Instead, I would just tell you I was kidding. Um...I've said too much.)
Socks - not too bad,
shirts - not too bad, and
I've convinced my firm that I'm just wearing loafers and I'm not wearing a tie again until the cast/splint is off.

Anyway, all of this is relatively easy with only one hand, especially when it's compared to the most difficult task that I've found: buttoning my suit trousers.

Two days ago, I may have spent 10 minutes trying to button my trousers with my one available hand in a men's room stall at my firm. I was banging from side to side, making an awful racket. A couple of times, I heard footsteps of someone entering the mens room. Both times, I heard them stop, then turn, and scamper out.

I don't remember exactly, but I could have been grunting slightly while I was attempting to button my trousers. Really, I am not making this up. Had I heard all of that from a men's room stall, I would have scampered, too. I dare YOU to try to put on your suit pants with one hand in your company's rest room !

- - - - -

So, in closing, after two days of having full use of only my right arm, I have learned important lessons and come to appreciate important aspects of my world around me, namely, my left arm.

b shaw

Blackberry Anonymous

2007-09-08T17:16:00.008-04:00

Sometimes my colleagues, also at the same Starbucks, see me "diligently working", which causes them to start "diligently" reviewing the contents of their Blackberry, apparently something high-powered and important. In reality, they are doing exactly what I am doing ... surfing the internet, playing games, and other not very important nor high-powered activities.

Warning! Not suited for children under 85
Graphic scenes of Blackberry Addiction

If you have an addiction prone personality, don't get a Blackberry. Really, don't do it. The Blackberry addiction is why we Blackberry junkies call them "crackberrys". The Blackberry addiction is a secret and dark world, known only to other "berry-heads". Sometimes, you may hear us use certain code phrases to other junkies like, "I'm going out for some 'juice'. Do you need some?" In the world of Blackberry junkies, this means, "Lets get 'juiced' on our Blackberrys".

Frequently, you can find us behind dumpsters of even the most prestigious firms, shaking in the cold, typing on our Blackberrys, mumbling to ourselves. It's sad, really. Don't let those pinstripes fool you, even the most respectable looking professional can be an addict crying out for help.

Is someone you love a Blackberry Addict?

If you suspect that one of your family members may be a 'berry-head' there are certain tell-tale signs you should monitor.

Watch how they handle small objects in your house. Do they grab these objects with both hands and repeatedly tap the object with their thumbs? This is particularly true of small pets and children. Does this behavior seem to be subconscious, as if the berry-head doesn't realize he or she is doing it?
Listen for phrases indicative of a Blackberry addiction. For example, you may ask that the 'berry-head' call you on your phone; the berry-head my slip and say, "Sure, I'll "PIN" you".
Look for physical effects of the Blackberry addiction. Check the tips of their thumbs. Calluses on the thumbs don't lie. Little "Johnny Professional" is really little "Johnny Berry-head".

Help a berry-head become free from the pain

Next time you see a 'berry-head' on the subway/tube/metro/bus getting their "juice", that is, getting their Blackberry fix, help them. Such flagrant public use of a Blackberry is their cry for help. It's your moral obligation to knock the Blackberry to the floor and stamp on it.

You will be doing them a favor. On the outside, they may be turning red and shouting, but on the inside, they are very grateful that someone cares; they are relieved someone has freed them from the addiction.

Public Service Announcement #20

Sponsored by the Blackberry Freedom Foundation

Public office qualification requirements include ...

2007-09-08T17:09:00.000-04:00

Not hiring illegal aliens. Moreover, I have been told that my mantra should be "Don't go to Jail".

However, due to recent trends, I have received conflicting advice. Or, as the politicians say, "a refinement of their position".

You may wonder what type of trends would cause a flip/flop...um...er....I meant to say, would cause a 'refinement' of an upstanding citizen's advice.

Perhaps it's the recent immigration bill, perhaps there were recent grass root protests, perhaps some other national political trend. Or, perhaps an issue closer to home, such as the fading facade of our moral character.

If you perceived the last item is most likely; you are correct.

As a matter of fact, it is not just close to home. The issue is the home. Specifically, the fading facade of the metal siding's character.

Yes. Like you, I am shocked, too.... "Shocked ! Shocked!", I say.

How could painting our aluminum siding corrupt such moral fortitude? Is the fading aluminum a morality play on our fading facade of our character?

Moreover...

Hang on.

"Paint-o el Side-o .... el SIDE-O ... THE el SIDE-O !!"*

Sorry, I had to give our day laborer some direction.

Now, where was I? Ah yes, now I remember.

.... Moreover, how could someone express one set of values, yet live a different set of values !?

How could someone be that hypocritical ?!

I will never know.

*Although, I am ugly & American. I am not the ugly American parodied in the above post.
No day laborers were harmed in the making of this blog.

Temple of Eternal Happiness

2007-05-18T01:29:00.003-04:00

I found myself in New York City yesterday. It's been many, many years since I was here last. Unlike last time, I did not awaken to find myself naked, broke and with a mis-spelled tattoo on my person. This is fortunate, because if that were to have happened again, my wife would have a lot of questions.

This time, my actions in NYC were while I was conscience and not under the influence of anything. Well, that’s not entirely true; I was under the influence of my high regard of the other bloggers and readers ….. hmmmm …. Alright, I wouldn’t believe that either.

Anyway, it was sunny yesterday and NYC can be a very photogenic city. Let me digress for a moment and clarify something to my dear friends in Glasgow. Beyond what you have been led to believe is the sky; (that grayish matter in the heavens above you), there is a huge ball of burning gases that lights the earth – we call that the “Sun”. “Sunny” is what we say when that “Sun” is not masked by that grayish matter, i.e. clouds.

Back to the point .... it was sunny yesterday and NYC can be a very photogenic city. So, I thought it would be great to have a camera again. Then, unexpectedly, while walking near the World Trade Center Memorial Site, I stumbled upon a place that, for a gadget & photography guy like me, can only be called the “Temple of Eternal Happiness”.

My wife, reading the sign on the building, merely called it “J&Rs Music & Computer World”. Apparently, those in the know, call it “J&Rs”.

Note, I explored only a small fraction of J&R’s but found it extends an entire city block consisting of multiple stores, each with a specialty. Closest to a Starbucks, was their store dedicated to cameras. It was two stories of DSLRs & P&Ss – Canon, Nikon, Olympus, Pentax, Sigma, Sony and on and on.

- - - -

I’ve been “in between” cameras for a few months, with the expectation that the arrival of the next Sony DSLR could be as early as June 07. Recently, and checking one last time yesterday, the internet rumors pushed the date back to the originally rumored Sept / Oct time frame.

While in J&Rs, I said to my wife that I should get the A100 because the next model seems to be a few months off.

! However, I mentioned that if I were to buy the A100, somehow, it would hasten the arrival of the new DSLR. !

Perhaps this has happened to you as well; that is, buying something only to find the newer version becomes available just a few weeks later. It has happened to me quite frequently.

So, I joked that by the next day, it would be announced that the new model might become available as early as June.

- - - -

So, in the J&R temple, I placed my sacrifice – my over-used American Express card – on the Altar, (which my wife called it merely a “check-out stand”). For my sacrifice, I was bestowed gifts consisting of:

a brand new A100K,
an extra battery,
a Flash (HVL-F36AM),
4 AA batteries for the flash, and
the happy salesman’s business card.

Then, the Temple Attendant, (my wife called her merely a “cashier”), carefully placed all of the gifts in the Transport Vessel with the sacred inscriptions on the side, (my wife called it merely a “shopping bag with a J&R logo”).

Lastly, as I walked to the Temple exit, the Larger Temple Attendant (wife called him merely a “security guard”), checked to ensure my Transport Vessel contained the proper gifts by matching them to my Record of Sacrifice, (wife says “receipt”).

I walked out of J&Rs as a proud new owner of an A100.

- - - -

Actually, this “sacrificial” purchase was not unexpected. My wife noted that one of my carry-ons for yesterday’s flight to NYC was an empty Tamrac bag. She expected that the bag wouldn’t stay empty. This time, I tried to meet my wife’s expectations.

Today, I awaken in NYC to find:

1) There is a Glasgow-esque nature to the local weather; there isn’t any sun and it’s rainy, too.

2) There are no mysterious new tattoos on my person, (I checked).

3) The new DSLR might be available as early as June.

b shaw (c) 2007